just tell him i said nine months
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
