he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize