Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
