I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
