I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
