I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
