I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
