YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
