if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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