my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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