my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
