I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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