I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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