I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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