Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
