we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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