I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
