you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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