i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
