Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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