Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
