she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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