I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
