you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize