Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
