She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
