I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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