Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
