I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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