i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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