the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
A+ Viking dick
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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