I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
