Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
