Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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