His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
