Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
