i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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