haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
