If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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