apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
