I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Everclear isn't food dammit
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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