There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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