i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
