Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You need Xanax blowdarts
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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