Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize