mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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