I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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