I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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