i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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