She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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