Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
MIDGETS
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