I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
