apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
