He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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