You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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