look no pants
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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