I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
