absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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