oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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