My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How external is "for external use only"?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
