i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
