NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
