she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
