So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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