he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
