Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
