You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
