haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You can't just leave with hair like that
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
where are my pants?
in the oven.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
