dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
