You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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