walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
